Mollusk TV

Have you noticed how documentaries on TV these days seem to assume an IQ of about 3, and hide the fact that they are not saying anything by saying nothing 12 times?

Voice Over:

“Global Warming.

“The Sun has been the source of warmth for this planet for millions of years. We cannot live without it. It is the source of all the life-sustaining energy that makes life possible, here -- -- -- -- -- on planet -- -- -- earth.

“Everything depends on the sun, and it’s power to give heat to this planet we all live on.

“But is there danger in the future?
"Are things changing on planet earth?
"Do we have reason to worry about the future?

“We shall be asking these questions in tonight’s program.

------sweeping view of the ocean. Thoughtful reporter looking out over it towards the sunset, worried.


“Global Warming.

“It is a real problem? Is it real? Do we need to be concerned about it?

“These -- -- -- are the questions we shall be asking.


------ --- pictures of Surf – birds flying – energetic music

Voice over continues:

“Global Warming has been a concern scientists have raised for decades now. But are they right? Is this a real concern?

“There seems to be a consensus emerging amongst scientists now that the question is real; perhpas even urgent. A consensus that global warming is real, and at least partly caused by humans, and that something -- -- -- -- -- needs to be done.

“But what?

“What are the consequences of global warming?

“Is it real? How will people cope?

---- scene changes to a vast expanse of ice; a commentator interviewing a group of local people who seem very much at home with TV production matters. ----

“It may seem strange to consider the question here – where I am standing – on the North Pole, - but Global warming could truly affect the life of the people who live here on the North Pole, the coldest place on earth, where ice is the basis of the incredibly rich local culture and -- -- belief system, the inner spiritual life that has been lived here -- -- -- for thousands of years.

“How will global warming affect the rich cultural traditions of the arctic lifestyles?

----- pictures of worried people on ice --

“We’ll be right back after these messages:


-----Ads for, in order:
a pain medication that causes lymphoma, cataracts and death
an erection enhancer that skates the very edge of priapism
a gas-guzzling car zooming across a glacier
a diaper that lets people giggle at parties in places with no lavatory.
--- Back

“It may seem odd to think of global warming in a place like this – the North Pole – but it is changing the face of the arctic, and the people who live here are worried.

Worried Man: “We like ice. Ice is the way we live. We drag our animals over it. We fish beneath it. We sleep on it. Our whole way of life is based on ice. We could not live without it. We believe there is a sacred spirit in the ice. This ice is our father. The strength of the ice has been celebrated in the legends of our people. It is the strength of our people. We gain our courage from ice.

Worried Woman: “Yes, this is our home, as it has been to our people for thousands of years. We feel powerless. What can we do?
(starts to weep.)
“How will we live? We feel we have no.. .. .. (long pause as she chokes up) .. .. .. .. .. we have no say in what is happening.
(Looks up with puzzled eyes.)

Worried Boy: “It is the ice of our forefathers. For thousands of years we have lived on the ice. We believe we were given the ice by God. What shall we be able to do?

=========================================

And so it drawls on without ever resorting to actual information.

Obviously they live with ice. How could they do otherwise? It is everywhere. Duh!

Equally obviously, if the ice melts, they’ll have to move. But people do just fine in condos outside Fort Lauderdale. I moved from England, but somehow managed to scrape an existence in New Orleans and San Francisco. Is Global Warming understood by asking someone “How does that make you feel?”

Eventually it ends, with pictures of a threatened sunset, and Paula Zahn (whom I used to like a lot; after all, she is a cellist) saying goodbye using the “TV Voice” that depends on exaggerated swoops and pauses in the middle of sentences; concern and astonishment spread evenly like cream cheese over everything.

“Will the people of the arctic be able to .. .. .. SOLVE their problems, .. .. .. .. .. .. using .. .. .. faith-based approaches to cosmic .. .. .. .. .. .. .. catastrophes?OrWillTheyBe forced .. .. .. .. .. .. .. to pin .. their hopes.. .. .. .. .. .. on the Ten.. .. .. .. .. .. Commandments?I’mPaulaZahnWishingYouA .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. ..good.. .. ..night.”
Focus on her legs.

Guys! Is it success in broadcasting if your ratings are up, but 98% of your audience are mollusks?

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